Thursday, May 16, 2013
It's been a very long time, hasn't it?
I'm not even sure I want to go on with this blog but Blogger has made it easy enough that, why not?
So what should I tell you?
Well, it's now May 2013. At the end of 2008, my husband left me and as a direct result of that, I lost the best job I've had to date. I have yet to recover from those twin blows.
I had a nervous break down, didn't fight the divorce and gave him whatever he wanted on the promise that he'd stay involved with the kids (and therefore, lost all the protections I could have had, struggled mightily to keep it together, failed, and he's never made good on a single promise).
I got sick (DVT and pulmonary clots) and gained back every bit of weight I lost and then some. For the past year and a half, I've been recovering from jello blood. I can't work, keep getting rejected for SSI and have been becoming increasingly vocal and desperate in my attempt to get help.
It sucks.
Tristan is working slowly through the shark-infested waters of young adulthood and the music scene--he's 26.
Gareth will be 18 this weekend. He's also the father of 7-month twin boys. Next month he and his family are scheduled to move to Texas for college.
Vincent is in 5th grade. He's got some significant neurological and learning disabilities which require a lot of time and attention. He's not going to have the life I hoped for....none of the boys have, to be honest, but they'll be ok because we will make sure of it.
On the plus side, well, hey, I'm still alive. My sister and mother have been heroic--helping me out monetarily and physically, encouraging me to keep working toward a new life and get my mojo back.
I'm ashamed they have to do this but oh so grateful.
I'm in college (Music Production) and after a rocky start, I'm regularly pulling in A's. A couple months and I hope to be eligible for scholarships. My goal is to stay in school long enough to get a Master's.
I've also got a small (very small) cottage industry started: Image Rehab. I restore old/damaged/badly taken photographs back to what they should be. I also enhance and beautify them. There's a lot of potential for something like this and I'm pleased to discover I'm actually quite good--better than most. I hope I can figure out the business end of it--how to attract paying customers, for starters.
The best thing, by far, to come out of this whole experience has been reconnecting to music in a healthy way. I write, I sing, I've been in a couple decent bands, I've done a lot of studio work. I've made good friends and (after 5 years) I'm more or less "me" again. A shaky, older, unhealthy and financially wrecked me, but it's a beginning.
Bottom line: Before I met my ex, I was surviving, putting a brave face on it, but I wasn't happy. With my ex, I was the happiest I've ever been--I actually wanted to live, which is unusual for me. Now, I'm not even pretending to be happy but I'm not trying to die, either.
I've got a great therapist. I can see someday, I'll be ok.
So what should I tell you?
Well, it's now May 2013. At the end of 2008, my husband left me and as a direct result of that, I lost the best job I've had to date. I have yet to recover from those twin blows.
I had a nervous break down, didn't fight the divorce and gave him whatever he wanted on the promise that he'd stay involved with the kids (and therefore, lost all the protections I could have had, struggled mightily to keep it together, failed, and he's never made good on a single promise).
I got sick (DVT and pulmonary clots) and gained back every bit of weight I lost and then some. For the past year and a half, I've been recovering from jello blood. I can't work, keep getting rejected for SSI and have been becoming increasingly vocal and desperate in my attempt to get help.
It sucks.
Tristan is working slowly through the shark-infested waters of young adulthood and the music scene--he's 26.
Gareth will be 18 this weekend. He's also the father of 7-month twin boys. Next month he and his family are scheduled to move to Texas for college.
Vincent is in 5th grade. He's got some significant neurological and learning disabilities which require a lot of time and attention. He's not going to have the life I hoped for....none of the boys have, to be honest, but they'll be ok because we will make sure of it.
On the plus side, well, hey, I'm still alive. My sister and mother have been heroic--helping me out monetarily and physically, encouraging me to keep working toward a new life and get my mojo back.
I'm ashamed they have to do this but oh so grateful.
I'm in college (Music Production) and after a rocky start, I'm regularly pulling in A's. A couple months and I hope to be eligible for scholarships. My goal is to stay in school long enough to get a Master's.
I've also got a small (very small) cottage industry started: Image Rehab. I restore old/damaged/badly taken photographs back to what they should be. I also enhance and beautify them. There's a lot of potential for something like this and I'm pleased to discover I'm actually quite good--better than most. I hope I can figure out the business end of it--how to attract paying customers, for starters.
The best thing, by far, to come out of this whole experience has been reconnecting to music in a healthy way. I write, I sing, I've been in a couple decent bands, I've done a lot of studio work. I've made good friends and (after 5 years) I'm more or less "me" again. A shaky, older, unhealthy and financially wrecked me, but it's a beginning.
Bottom line: Before I met my ex, I was surviving, putting a brave face on it, but I wasn't happy. With my ex, I was the happiest I've ever been--I actually wanted to live, which is unusual for me. Now, I'm not even pretending to be happy but I'm not trying to die, either.
I've got a great therapist. I can see someday, I'll be ok.
