Thursday, February 25, 2010
So! What's been happening?
WEELLL....Change, change, all kinds of change....
Ok, let's play catch up:
2006: best year ever. I'd lost a lot of weight, met the guy of my dreams, got back into music, and got engaged. Only downers? Lord Metal didn't get the Marvel job. I got pregnant (good) then lost the baby (bad).
2007: Still a pretty damned good year. Making music, deeply in love and planning my wedding. Metal was in a new band and was making something of a name for himself. Downers: I was depressed about losing the baby and trying not to slide down into my usual black hole over that, and the fact that my stupid metabolism did what it always does when I'm with child, and made me gain 30lbs without trying. The van starting having various and sundry issues, which prompted a song. But best thing! I got married! We had a whole week to ourselves in a beautiful part of VA. Can you say happy? Heck, I even got a job interview in the Creative dept. Good stuff!
2008: New job, new marriage, lots of stress. Between Metal's band and my job, we didn't get to see much of each other. Tensions started to develop--he was too busy to work on our music project, I was always working. But I figured we could work it out, because we were talking, right?
Wrong.
I was talking to him, but he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to other people, and one girl in particular, who wanted him for herself...well. Let's just say his most ardent fans weren't very helpful influences.
Roughly one month after our 1st anniversary, he bailed. No warning, he was just done. In the middle of a work day, we meet for lunch and he tells me, he's moving out. I couldn't believe it. This man--the love of my life--was leaving??? WHY???
He said he couldn't handle the Husband and Father bit. Also, he decided what he really wanted was a girl who wasn't a musician.
I was crushed. Hysterical. So were the kids. I lost it. Nothing mattered but finding out what was wrong and fixing it. I did everything you're supposed to do. He treated it like this was a common break up, not a divorce. He did everything wrong--it was literally torture for me. Soon, I was handling it badly too. We got into a bad argument at work (we worked at the same company). He was awful, screaming, saying these kids he'd claimed and treated as his own for almost 3 years weren't his and he wanted nothing to do with them...I thought he'd hit me. Ok, I admit, I was wrong for slapping his face when he did that, but it was too much and I was scared--he had a crazy light in his eye and he's a big guy. No witnesses, but we both were hysterical when we went inside--we'd never had a real fight like that before....bosses were called. They questioned, I was honest--heck, I was babbling. He didn't say much, I'm told. He kept his job, I lost mine. Lesson learned (too late): never address domestic issues on company property.
STUPID and SAD
So by year's end, I've lost my music partner, my dearest Love and my fantastic job, right as the economy tanked.
2009:
Spring:
I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. I'm resisting the divorce. I'm being hassled by his jealous "roommate" (the girl). I want counseling. He tries it once. She calls DURING the session. She won't leave either of us alone. We try a couple times to communicate but every time we start to get somewhere his lady friend pitches a fit and pulls him back into her orbit. He cuts off all access other than email, which he rarely responds to.
I get self-destructive. I get counseling. I lean very heavily on poor Diva Karaoke-Style and Big Mama. They are awesome!
I finally start to pull out of my tailspin. I stop writing to Metal. The girl won't leave me be. Metal asks us both to stop talking to each other. I comply and concentrate on my own life...
I've joined a band by this time, lost 40lbs and gotten a very inadequate job, but at least I'm doing something. I start to get fans too. I'm starting (very reluctantly) to date.
Summer:
Band stuff is going well despite a personnel shakeup. We get our first gig.
Metal's woman just won't stop playing head games with either of us. He breaks up with her over it and moves out. The gal contacts me, apologizes for all the crap she's caused since she met Metal and asks for forgiveness. Metal contacts me. He doesn't want to get back together, but he's my sweet Metal Lord again. We decide to talking things through, put the divorce off.
This lasts a month, then he meets a real piece of work. Within a week, this--creature--has convinced him to marry her--this despite him swearing he'd never marry again, that he couldn't handle being a father (she has a kid). The hook: she says she's got cancer and will die soon. Was it a coincidence that he'd just gotten his inheritance? Everyone who loves him feels it's all a little too convenient, too pat. He breaks the news to me. I'm upset of course. He promises not to let this gal get in the way of our friendship, but asks for space. Well, what can I do? I love him, I can see he's fallen hard, so I give him what he wants. My only request: I want to know NOTHING, I want no contact with this girl.
So the divorce is back on, per his request. Suddenly I'm getting phone calls from her--she's being positively evil, then telling Metal I'm the one doing the calling. As he did before, he buys the gaslight routine, but even more so. He's afraid she'll die on him and drops EVERYTHING for her. I find out later she pulled that routine on anyone who might have influence on him--she systematically isolated him from everyone who cares about him.
This was getting to be too much for me. She'd taken over his life, and he willingly gave it. It made no sense at all, in light of what we'd just gone through. At her behest, he re-wrote the divorce agreement so none of the terms we worked out would apply--I'd get nothing. I could have fought it, but there comes a point where you can either fight or build. I chose to build. I did resist one thing: The Creature tried to horn in on the divorce signing. I was NOT going to have that and Metal (for once) supported me! She punished him by breaking up with him. He called me, we talked about it. He wanted to get back together with her, but marriage was off the table. Our divorce was final within a month. They married 2 weeks later. Apparently, it was her dying wish.
I find out on Facebook. I can't believe he's done this. No one can. I can see she's going to eat him alive and remind him of his promise to keep in touch...she makes him block me from his account. I lose all hope and agree to do the rebound thing with a fan.
DUMB move, but that's what rebounds are.
Fall:
Rebound guy has moved in. I'm just no good at sales. I lose my job but get unemployment. I start design college. College is going great but the relationship is not going well--something is wrong with him. I take him to the doctor...he's bi-polar. We get him meds. I'm really unhappy with the home situation. I start gaining weight...
Metal and The Creature move to Alaska so she can die there--she leaves her kid behind. Once there, he discovers she is FINE...just a psychotic con-artist with a pain-pill habit. How do I know all this? He called me when he kicked her out.
2010:
January: I confirm my boyfriend is a recidivist alcoholic and is NOT taking his meds. He is growing more erratic and obsessive by the week. Kids don't feel safe around him, I'm not safe alone with him, my schoolwork, housework, everything starts to suffer. I confront him, give him a choice: go to rehab or go away. He goes away.
He was a good lesson.
Now I understand a few things I didn't.
February: Diva Karaoke-Style announces she's got a new job in Kentucky and will be moving at the end of the month. The band thing is going well--we're recording some amazing stuff! School is getting back to normal. Work is still non-existent. Hedge has a girlfriend, loves his school. Koala has been diagnosed with ADHD (final straw: he accidentally set a bed on fire. Luckily I was right there! No damage to the house, him, or me, but the bed and a guitar are gone).
Metal's annulment is final. He's in his Fortress of Solitude, playing the field. I'm in Rapunzel's Tower and I've (literally) cut off my long hair. I am DONE with relationships and dating for a good long while. We're talking, getting re-acquainted. It's a start. I'm hopeful for the future, but extremely cautious.
Ok, let's play catch up:
2006: best year ever. I'd lost a lot of weight, met the guy of my dreams, got back into music, and got engaged. Only downers? Lord Metal didn't get the Marvel job. I got pregnant (good) then lost the baby (bad).
2007: Still a pretty damned good year. Making music, deeply in love and planning my wedding. Metal was in a new band and was making something of a name for himself. Downers: I was depressed about losing the baby and trying not to slide down into my usual black hole over that, and the fact that my stupid metabolism did what it always does when I'm with child, and made me gain 30lbs without trying. The van starting having various and sundry issues, which prompted a song. But best thing! I got married! We had a whole week to ourselves in a beautiful part of VA. Can you say happy? Heck, I even got a job interview in the Creative dept. Good stuff!
2008: New job, new marriage, lots of stress. Between Metal's band and my job, we didn't get to see much of each other. Tensions started to develop--he was too busy to work on our music project, I was always working. But I figured we could work it out, because we were talking, right?
Wrong.
I was talking to him, but he wasn't talking to me. He was talking to other people, and one girl in particular, who wanted him for herself...well. Let's just say his most ardent fans weren't very helpful influences.
Roughly one month after our 1st anniversary, he bailed. No warning, he was just done. In the middle of a work day, we meet for lunch and he tells me, he's moving out. I couldn't believe it. This man--the love of my life--was leaving??? WHY???
He said he couldn't handle the Husband and Father bit. Also, he decided what he really wanted was a girl who wasn't a musician.
I was crushed. Hysterical. So were the kids. I lost it. Nothing mattered but finding out what was wrong and fixing it. I did everything you're supposed to do. He treated it like this was a common break up, not a divorce. He did everything wrong--it was literally torture for me. Soon, I was handling it badly too. We got into a bad argument at work (we worked at the same company). He was awful, screaming, saying these kids he'd claimed and treated as his own for almost 3 years weren't his and he wanted nothing to do with them...I thought he'd hit me. Ok, I admit, I was wrong for slapping his face when he did that, but it was too much and I was scared--he had a crazy light in his eye and he's a big guy. No witnesses, but we both were hysterical when we went inside--we'd never had a real fight like that before....bosses were called. They questioned, I was honest--heck, I was babbling. He didn't say much, I'm told. He kept his job, I lost mine. Lesson learned (too late): never address domestic issues on company property.
STUPID and SAD
So by year's end, I've lost my music partner, my dearest Love and my fantastic job, right as the economy tanked.
2009:
Spring:
I'm a mess. A complete and utter mess. I'm resisting the divorce. I'm being hassled by his jealous "roommate" (the girl). I want counseling. He tries it once. She calls DURING the session. She won't leave either of us alone. We try a couple times to communicate but every time we start to get somewhere his lady friend pitches a fit and pulls him back into her orbit. He cuts off all access other than email, which he rarely responds to.
I get self-destructive. I get counseling. I lean very heavily on poor Diva Karaoke-Style and Big Mama. They are awesome!
I finally start to pull out of my tailspin. I stop writing to Metal. The girl won't leave me be. Metal asks us both to stop talking to each other. I comply and concentrate on my own life...
I've joined a band by this time, lost 40lbs and gotten a very inadequate job, but at least I'm doing something. I start to get fans too. I'm starting (very reluctantly) to date.
Summer:
Band stuff is going well despite a personnel shakeup. We get our first gig.
Metal's woman just won't stop playing head games with either of us. He breaks up with her over it and moves out. The gal contacts me, apologizes for all the crap she's caused since she met Metal and asks for forgiveness. Metal contacts me. He doesn't want to get back together, but he's my sweet Metal Lord again. We decide to talking things through, put the divorce off.
This lasts a month, then he meets a real piece of work. Within a week, this--creature--has convinced him to marry her--this despite him swearing he'd never marry again, that he couldn't handle being a father (she has a kid). The hook: she says she's got cancer and will die soon. Was it a coincidence that he'd just gotten his inheritance? Everyone who loves him feels it's all a little too convenient, too pat. He breaks the news to me. I'm upset of course. He promises not to let this gal get in the way of our friendship, but asks for space. Well, what can I do? I love him, I can see he's fallen hard, so I give him what he wants. My only request: I want to know NOTHING, I want no contact with this girl.
So the divorce is back on, per his request. Suddenly I'm getting phone calls from her--she's being positively evil, then telling Metal I'm the one doing the calling. As he did before, he buys the gaslight routine, but even more so. He's afraid she'll die on him and drops EVERYTHING for her. I find out later she pulled that routine on anyone who might have influence on him--she systematically isolated him from everyone who cares about him.
This was getting to be too much for me. She'd taken over his life, and he willingly gave it. It made no sense at all, in light of what we'd just gone through. At her behest, he re-wrote the divorce agreement so none of the terms we worked out would apply--I'd get nothing. I could have fought it, but there comes a point where you can either fight or build. I chose to build. I did resist one thing: The Creature tried to horn in on the divorce signing. I was NOT going to have that and Metal (for once) supported me! She punished him by breaking up with him. He called me, we talked about it. He wanted to get back together with her, but marriage was off the table. Our divorce was final within a month. They married 2 weeks later. Apparently, it was her dying wish.
I find out on Facebook. I can't believe he's done this. No one can. I can see she's going to eat him alive and remind him of his promise to keep in touch...she makes him block me from his account. I lose all hope and agree to do the rebound thing with a fan.
DUMB move, but that's what rebounds are.
Fall:
Rebound guy has moved in. I'm just no good at sales. I lose my job but get unemployment. I start design college. College is going great but the relationship is not going well--something is wrong with him. I take him to the doctor...he's bi-polar. We get him meds. I'm really unhappy with the home situation. I start gaining weight...
Metal and The Creature move to Alaska so she can die there--she leaves her kid behind. Once there, he discovers she is FINE...just a psychotic con-artist with a pain-pill habit. How do I know all this? He called me when he kicked her out.
2010:
January: I confirm my boyfriend is a recidivist alcoholic and is NOT taking his meds. He is growing more erratic and obsessive by the week. Kids don't feel safe around him, I'm not safe alone with him, my schoolwork, housework, everything starts to suffer. I confront him, give him a choice: go to rehab or go away. He goes away.
He was a good lesson.
Now I understand a few things I didn't.
February: Diva Karaoke-Style announces she's got a new job in Kentucky and will be moving at the end of the month. The band thing is going well--we're recording some amazing stuff! School is getting back to normal. Work is still non-existent. Hedge has a girlfriend, loves his school. Koala has been diagnosed with ADHD (final straw: he accidentally set a bed on fire. Luckily I was right there! No damage to the house, him, or me, but the bed and a guitar are gone).
Metal's annulment is final. He's in his Fortress of Solitude, playing the field. I'm in Rapunzel's Tower and I've (literally) cut off my long hair. I am DONE with relationships and dating for a good long while. We're talking, getting re-acquainted. It's a start. I'm hopeful for the future, but extremely cautious.
